


Letters

by alepilgrim0220



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, Mentions of xiumin, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-02
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-24 11:16:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4917466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alepilgrim0220/pseuds/alepilgrim0220
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lu Han and Sehun got to the mutual agreement of ending their relationship</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Luhan and Sehun broke up a few weeks ago, and to be honest Luhan was broken. He went back home to try his hardest to fix himself. Days later he found out that his ex-lover started dating with that beautiful girl called Taeyeon.

He tried, he was still trying, but he couldn’t. He would cry himself to sleep every single night, he was losing weight, he was losing sleep, his wrists would later have scars, his head was about to burst from the pain he was going through. Luhan never thought a heartbreak could really kill someone, until the moment he lived that himself. 

It was something mutual, or at least that’s what Luhan thought. He spent three years in love with his best friend, dreaming about holding his hand, touching Sehun’s lips with his own. He would cry for those gorgeous eyes and how hard he wanted them to look at him filled with love, the older never knew that it would happen someday. 

They had five wonderful years, but the sixth was a nightmare, Sehun would come home filled with problems and Luhan would try to fix them but no matter how hard he tried, they’d always end up fighting. The smaller one had to make a choice; spend the night without the heat of his boyfriend while being sober, or he could have a glass of wine, or maybe four, at Minseok’s house. He often went for the second option. 

Luhan once read that writing a letter and then setting it on fire could help to get over something, in his case someone. He grabbed a notebook, a pen and a box of matches, and then he started: 

_“I don’t like love that’s like a child playing with fire. I know we got to the mutual agreement of ending our relationship, but I just didn’t think it would be this hard for me. You see, I gave you my all, my love, my heart, and even my life, but after years my aura was filled with sadness. Everything could have been ours. Once you owned my heart, and I’m okay, I think… No, the truth is that I still hate you, you let go of me. We could have saved us but there’s nothing we can do now, and sadly I still regret it._

_I don’t like the calculative love of adults, and maybe, just maybe, that’s why after all those years filled with love, we ended up failing, breaking the other. The love of my life is ending like this. Please be happy and even after a long time passes, let’s both remember that we had each other back then._

_I hope you know that the only reason I agreed to this was that we were going nowhere, we were hurting ourselves, and even though we knew it, we chose to ignore it. It hurt me more than you’d ever know.”_

Then he burned the letter and he felt relieved, at least a little of the weight upon his shoulders left him. 

He liked it, it felt pretty good. He felt something, some of the guilt and remorse leaving every time he wrote something for Sehun and then burned it. It became a custom. 

_“I know you’re over me already, but I just want you to know that I hope you’re okay, I’m breaking every day because I miss you, and us, and what we used to be. I still love you.”_

He kept pulling down his long sleeves, to cover all the memories that scars leave. Also because his friends asked how he got them, he just lied and told them that it was his cat, even though he didn’t have one. Now the cuts were on his legs, that way no one but him would see them. 

_“Another day and I don’t have you by my side, this feeling is eating me inside out and I don’t know if I can take it. I think I’ll just break a little more, if that’s possible. I don’t think I can undo all the pain._

_All those crossed wires were making us tired; it is too late to bring us back to life. I can’t believe that after all these months without you, when I close my eyes and try to sleep, I still fall apart and find it hard to breathe._

_You know bitter words were spoken and everything was broken.”_

And then he burned it. 

Luhan once thought it would be a good idea to call Sehun, to check up on him and see how he was doing, to see if he was also broken, if his heart died that day as well. He waited, and then waited some more just to hear that voice that he used to love, and that now he longed to hear say “Who is this?”, and that destroyed him a little more. 

_“Today I thought about our last kiss; how it felt and the way you tasted. Do you read the words I wrote you?. I sometimes wonder if it was a lie, because you’re fine, and if what we had was real, how could you?_

_You left behind every single wish we ever made._

_I’ll tell you that the pictures that you sent me are still living in my phone. I’ll admit I like to see them, I’ll admit I feel alone.”_

He turned a match on and set it on fire. 

His hours were getting longer, he couldn’t stand it. A single day felt like three. A second seemed like a whole hour and Luhan was getting sick of it. 

Luhan lost a lot of weight, he was now around 48 kilograms and by then he looked like a skeleton walking around. His depression was eating him alive. 

_“I need to take back the light inside you stole. You’re a criminal and you steal like you’re a pro. I’m ashamed, I’m confused. I am broken and also bruised.”_

That day he took a bottle of pills, and swallowed it whole. Then he took his notebook, his pen and the last box of matches he owned. 

_“Have you ever been close to death? Because I am, I guess. I swear there are flashing lights in my mind and I’m going back to the time when we played games in the street and kicked balls with our feet. There’s a numb in my toes and I’m standing close to the edge, there’s a pile of my clothes at the end of your bed. I feel like I’m falling._

_You know I’d be your life, your voice and your reason to be. I didn’t find the words to say before you left me that day._

_I wish I could go back to those times where there was still “us””._

He knew it was time and he cried himself to sleep. 

Luhan never got to burn that letter.


	2. I need to find you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sehun was missing something since Luhan left.

I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry; for what I put you through and therefore for the choice you made of taking your life. I am sorry because I pushed you to that point. 

I miss you, I still do. It's been two years without you; one without you next to me, laying in our bed, holding your hand and caressing you cheek while I pressed my lips against yours. It's been one without you at all, without your soul being somewhere within the living.

I hope you know I used her, and I'm sorry for that as well. I was going through hell and I tried as hard as I could, I wanted to pick up the pieces; you and I together, but it was late. You went back to that place you called home, but home was where you and I were together and not apart. You asked for your belongings and left. I didn't want you to go, to leave. Either way you did.

Once you called me, I knew it and I perfectly did. I erased your number but unwillingly I memorized it. I said that because I had the stupid thought that you'd be okay, that you got over me, that you got over us. That was really dumb, I know.

I went to your sepulture. I'll be honest, it hurt like a bitch. I could not take it. I broke down and cried as hard as ever. I didn't think it would be this hard.  
Remember how you'd go to Minseok's house cause, and I quote, "he has the best liquor a man can have"? Well, I followed your steps. I'll admit I drank a little more than I should have. You looked so skinny, so sad. It's all my fault.

When I got home today I knew what I was going to do. I guess you did the same, but for what Yixing told me, you'd burn those letters after you finished them. Although you didn't get to burn that one.

I grabbed a notebook and my favorite pen. I wouldn't go for a box of matches, I intend for someone to find this and know why I did it. I'll just say that I took that rope and hanged it on a beam inside the house, our house Luhan. I sincerely apologize for the pain that I'll give to our friends, my parents, my family. But I need to find you. 

Oh, and I set that letter on fire, for you. You didn't get the chance to do it.

 

********************************

He felt the air in his lungs leaving, as well as the life fading out of his body. Sehun needed to fix things between them, pick up the pieces. Maybe that way he would, maybe that way he'd be able to go back to those times when they were together. 

Luhan was the missing piece Sehun needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you liked it

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I am sorry if you suffered and thank you for reading! 
> 
> Maybe you noticed but there are lots of references about songs, those are: Missing you by 2ne1, Towers by Little Mix, When she cries by Britt Nicole, The only reason and Amnesia by 5SOS, Warrior by Demi Lovato and Moments by One Direction.


End file.
